"Don't mess with my Toot-Toot" midi
and STILL more . . . .
Home Alone ?
A traveling salesman knocked on the Boudreaux's front door, to have it answered by a cigar-puffing, beer-drinking, ten-year-old "Tee" Boudreaux. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home, Son ?" Tapping his cigar ashes on the floor, and taking a healthy swig of his beer, "Tee" answers, "Mais, what de hell you tink, Mister ?"
"Tee" Boudreaux's Dog
"Tee" Boudreaux's teacher asked him one Monday morning, "Well, Tee, how was your weekend ?" "Tee" replies, "Not too good. A pickumup truck hit my dog square in de *ss !" The teacher, used to "Tee"'s manner of speaking, attempted to correct him. "Rectum ?" asked the teacher. "Tee" tells her, "Wrecked him !? Hell, Teacher, damn near killed him !"
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out working in the fields one day, when Thibodeaux had to answer the "call of nature". As he is "taking care of business", he remarks, "I sure wish I had one like my cousin, Luke. He gots to hold his wid four fingers." Boudreaux glances over and tells him, "Mais, Thib, you is holding yours wid four fingers." Thibodeaux says sadly, "Yeh, but I'm peeing on three of 'em !"
What Time Is It ?
Thibodeaux ran into Boudreaux at the feed store the other day, and asked, "Hey, Boudreaux, you know what time it is ?" Boudreaux looks at his watch and replies, "Mais, yeh, Thib, it's four o'clock." Thibodeaux shakes his head and tells Boudreaux, "Man, I been axin' people for de time all day long, an' everybody gives me a different answer !"
Boudreaux, Thibodeaux and Hebert were in the City Bar last Saturday night as usual, and as usual, Boudreaux had way too much to drink and started a fight with his buddies. The police showed up and threw Boudreaux in jail. Monday morning, standing in court, Boudreaux was asked by the judge, "Where do you work ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Here and there." The judge tried again, asking, "What do you do for a living ?" Boudreaux says, "Dis an' dat." The judge tells the arresting officer, "Lock him up !" Boudreaux says, "Wait, judge, when can I get out ?" The judge tells him, "Sooner or later !"
After they had been married for a couple of years, and being unsuccessful in having a baby, Boudreaux talked Marie in going to the doctor to see if they could find out what the problem might be. At the doctor's office, Marie explained the problem, and the doctor told her, "I'm sure I can help you out. Take off all of your clothes and get up on the table," Naive Marie, blushing profusely, said, "Well, OK, I guess, but I'd really rather have Boudreaux's baby !"
Even after living in South Louisiana all of their lives, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux had never been duck hunting. They decided to give it a try one day, but spent the entire day having no luck at all. Not one duck. They were determined to stay as long as there was daylight to keep from going home empty-handed. Still no luck. They finally gave up and as they were driving home, discussed what they might have been doing wrong. They had all of the best equipment, expensive shotguns, the best duck calls money could buy, everything. Thibodeaux finally tells Boudreaux he thinks he has the answer. "Boudreaux, I tink we wasn't throwing de dog high enough !"
Boudreaux, sitting at the bar with Thibodeaux and Hebert, tells them, "Last night while I was here drinking wid y'all, a burglar broke into my house." Thibodeaux asked, "Did he get anything ?" "Yeah", Boudreaux said, "a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a foot in de family jewels.Marie thought it was me coming home drunk !"
One hot July day Boudreaux saw a commercial on television for Cajun Home Improvements advertising the energy-saving benefits of storm windows. After talking it over with his wife Marie, they decided that it would be good to have them installed on their home in greater downtown Breaux Bridge. The following December, on a cold day, a policeman knocks on Boudreaux's door, slaps handcuffs on him, throws him into the back seat of his police car, and brings him to jail. A few days later, Boudreaux appears in court before Judge Thibodeaux. Judge Thibodeaux looks across the courtroom at Boudreaux and asks him if he knows why he has been brought to court. Boudreaux responds that he has no idea. Judge Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux it is because he hasn't yet sent Cajun Home Improvements the money for the installation of his new storm windows. Boudreaux responds, "Mais Judge, da reason why I ain't send dem any money is cause, before I bought dem windows, de salesman clearly told me dat in 6 months dey would pay for demselves!'"
( Contributed by Garett. Thanks, Bud )
Boudreaux, walking past his favorite restaurant one morning, noticed a sign in the window that read "Ask About Our Breakfast Special". So he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's de breakfast special ?" he asked. "Baked chicken tongue", she replied proudly. "Baked chicken tongue ? Do you know how disgusting dat is? I wouldn't never tink about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth !" Boudreaux screamed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?" Boudreaux replied, "Aw, jus' bring me some scrambled eggs."
A man walked up to Boudreaux's house, and knocked on the door. When Marie opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Go away!" Later, she told Boudreaux of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. Boudreaux hid with his gun while Marie answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said, "Yes !" The man replied, "Good ! Give your husband some the next time you see him, and maybe he'll stay away from my wife !"
How 'Bout Dem Saints ?
Boudreaux and Marie were lounging around on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Boudreaux was halfway watching the Saints game on TV and halfway snoozing on and off, while Marie was reading the newapaper. She suddenly burst out laughing, saying "Listen to dis, Boudreaux. It says here dat dis guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to de Saints games. Would you swap me for a season ticket ?" Boudreaux sleepily replies "Mais of course not. I wouldn't do dat." Marie tells him, "Oh, Boudreaux, dat's sweet. But why wouldn't you ?" Boudreaux tells her, "Simple, season's more den half over already !"
Boudreaux was sitting in his rocking chair last Sunday morning leafing thru the newspaper, when he commented to Marie, "Cher, we sure gots us a smart dog, yeh. I tells him to go fetch de paper and he brings it right to me." Marie tells him, "Oh yeh, he sure is smart, Boudreaux. We don't even subscribes to de paper !"
Boudreaux goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough to collect. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to Marie, shows her the check, and explains to her what happened. She tells him, "Well why don't you get back down there, drop down you pants, and show dem dat you eligible for disability too !"
The Bag Boy
Many years ago, when Boudreaux was a kid, he had a job as a bag boy at the local supermarket. A lady walks up to the check-out counter with her basket. In it, she had a quart of milk, a half-dozen eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple. As she pays for her items at the cash register, Boudreaux starts bagging her stuff. "Lady, you must be single," he tells her. The woman looks at the four items on the counter, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How in the world did you know that ?" Looking at her, Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's simple, you're ugly !"
Boudreaux's Last Request
Boudreaux was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Marie, will you give me one last request ?" "Of course, Boudreaux, anything," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I wants you to marry Thibodeaux." Marie remarks, "But I thought you hated Thibodeaux." With his last breath, Boudreaux said, "I do !"
Boudreaux goes to see his preacher one day. "Preacher, sumting terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The preacher asked, "What's wrong, Boudreaux ?" Boudreaux replied, "My wife, Marie, I tink she's poisoning me." The preacher, very surprised by this, asks, "What makes you say that ?" Boudreaux then pleads, "I'm telling you, I just know she's trying to poison me, what should I do?" The preacher then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, and I'll see what I can find out and let you know." A week later the preacher calls Boudreaux and tells him, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three solid hours. You want my advice?" Boudreaux anxiously says, "Yes, anything !" The preacher tells Boudreaux, "Take the poison !"
"Tee" Boudreaux arrived late for Sunday School. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. "Tee" replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to Sunday School instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked "Tee" if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which "Tee" replied, "Yes, Ma'am, he sure did. He tol' me dat he didn't have enough bait for de both of us !"
A very attractive and extremely shapely young lady, chaperoned by a equally very ugly, homely old lady, entered old Doctor Boudreaux's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Mais, alright," Doc Boudreaux tells her. "Go behind dat curtain and take all you clothes off." "Oh no, it's not for me," said the girl. "it's for my old maiden aunt here." "Oh, well in dat case," Doc Boudreaux tells the elderly woman, "Lady, stick out you tongue !"
Many years ago, Boudreaux went to the preacher and announced, "Preacher, I wants an annulment from Marie !" The preacher says, "But Boudreaux, why ? Y'all just got married yesterday." Boudreaux tells him, "I tink she's my sister !" The preacher says, "Oh no, Boudreaux. I've known both of you all of your lives. I know there is no relation. She can't be your sister. What makes you think she is ?" Boudreaux tells the preacher, "Well, last night when we was getting undressed for bed, Marie looked me up and down, and I heard her say under her breath, 'Oh, brother' !"
In his young, wild youth, Boudreaux had dated (and bedded) many a young lady, but he finally became entranced with Marie. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted. On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, Boudreaux said, "You know, Marie, I never would have married you if you had gone to bed wid me like all dem other girls did." "I know, Boudreaux. Experience is de best teacher," Marie said. "Dat's how I lost all of my other boyfriends !"
"Tee" Does It Again
The Thibodeaux's were visiting the Boudreaux's when "Tee" Boudreaux remarked to Clotile (Mrs. Thibodeaux), "Boy, you sure is ugly !" Poppa Boudreaux grabbed "Tee" by his ear and dragged him to the kitchen. "Tee", he fussed, "Dat wasn't very nice of you. I wants you to go back in der and apologize to her. Go tell her dat you sorry !" "Tee" goes back into the other room and says, "Ms. Clotile, I sure am sorry dat you so ugly !"
Bring Me A Beer
Boudreaux comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Marie, get me a beer before it starts." Marie sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She is getting somewhat aggravated, but fetches him another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute now. "By now, Marie is furious. She yells at him, "Is dat all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of dat TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and on top of dat . . . "Boudreaux sighs and says, "Well, it done started ! "