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This Texan fellow walks into Boudreaux's place the other day, walks up to the counter, and orders a BBQ ribs sandwich. Boudreaux looks at him and says, "You must be one of dem dumb_ss Texians !" The Texan, incensed asks, "If someone from Poland came in here and asked for a Polish meatball sandwich, would you call him a dumb_ss Pollack ?" Boudreaux says, "I sure would." The Texan asks, "And if someone from Italy came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you call him a dumb_ss Dago ?" Boudreaux replies again, "I sure would." The Texan tries one more time; "And if someone from Isreal came in and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a dumb_ss Jew ?" Boudreaux again says, "I probably would." The Texan, now totally upset, tells Boudreaux, "You ain't nothing but a bigot ! Why do you think of all those people as dumb_sses ?" Boudreaux calmly tells him, "Mais, actually I wouldn't do dat, because all dem nice people would be smart enough to know dat dis is a hardware store !"
( I hope this one didn't hurt anyone's feelings. I apologize in advance if it did. With my warped sense of humor, I thought it was kinda funny, and wanted to pass it on. )
Boudreaux And The Pretty Lady
Boudreaux, as usual had too much to drink, but didn't know when to stop. As he is sitting in the bar room last week, a beautiful lady comes in and sits next to him. Talking to her, he eventually gets around to asking her, "Cher, would you do the "Big nasty" wid me for a million dollars ?" She tells him that she would indeed. He asks her, "And would you do it wid me for a quarter ?" She gets her mad all up and yells at him, "Just what kind of girl do you think I am ?" Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, Cher, we done already established dat. Now we just hagglin' over de price !"
( Oooooowwwwww, that wasn't nice ! )
Clotile's First Deer Hunt
Thibodeaux was preparing for the first day of the annual deer season. His wife, Clotile, was complaining that he never wanted to take her with him. She continued nagging Thibodeaux until he finally agreed to take her along. Bright and early the next morning, they went out into the woods, and Thibodeaux got her set up in a tree stand. He walked about a hundred yards towards his stand, when he heard a loud "BANG". He ran back to where he had left Clotile to find her holding her gun on Boudreaux, who was also out deer hunting, and telling him, "Boudreaux, you jus' get back ! Dat's my deer, and you can't have it !" Boudreaux, tells her, "Mais Clotile, whatever you say. If you say dat's your deer, OK, you can have it. But can I jus' gets my saddle off of it ?"
Thibodeaux's Kids Write A Class Report
Thibodeaux's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the teacher called one of the Thibodeaux younguns up to her desk and scolded him. "This report on "My Dog" is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him ?" He replies, "Mais, no Ma'am, It's about de same dog !"
Thibodeaux Is Down On His Luck
Boudreaux walks into the bar the other day and spots Thibodeaux sitting there drinking beer, and really looking sad. Being good friends, Boudreaux asks Thib what the problem is. Thibodeaux tells him, "Three months ago, my mama died, but she left me $10,000." Boudreaux, says, "Mais, dat's tough." Thib says, "Den two months ago, my Daddy died, and he left me $20,000." Boudreaux says, "Oh, Thib, I can understand why you feeling bad. Losing both your parents in two months. Dat's sad." Thib tells him, "And den last month, my uncle died, and he left me another $15,000." Boudreaux says, "Thib, dat's terrible. Three close family members in three months. I sure can understand why you so down in de dumps." Thibodeaux says, "Oh dat's not what's so bad. What's bad is, so far dis month--nothing !"
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were doing their usual Saturday night thing, drinking, and Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux, "Let's have one more beer and go find us some women." Boudreaux tells him, "Oh, not me. I gots more den I can handle at home." Thibodeaux, well inebriated by now says, "Mais, OK, let's have one more beer and go to your house, den !"
Boudreaux Testifies In Court
Old man Boudreaux (about 87 years old) was in court to testify as a witness in a burglary case. The defense attorney, Thibodeaux, asked him, "Mr. Boudreaux, did you actually saw my client break into dat house ?" Boudreaux answers him, "Mais, yeh, I saw him plain as de nose on you face." Thibodeaux again asks, "Mr. Boudreaux, dis alleged crime happened at night. You sho' it was my client you saw break into dat house ? You know, you gettin' to be pretty old and I'm sure you eyesight ain't what it used to be. Jus' how far you can see at night ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Mais you couyon, I can see de moon at night. How far dat is ?"
Boudreaux Says "OOPS"
Boudreaux calls Marie from the crawfish farm the other day, and tells her, "Cher, I got de chance of a lifetime. I'm goin' fishin' for de next week but I gots to leave right away. Please pack my stuff for me; my fishing gear, some clothes, and don't forget to pack my fancy blue silk pajamas, too. I'll be home in a few minutes to pick all dat up." He runs through the house, apologizes for the short notice, and off he goes. A week later, Boudreaux gets home and Marie asks him how the fishing trip was. Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, Cher, dat was de best fishing trip I done ever had. But you forgot to pack my fancy blue silk pajamas like I axed you to." Marie tells him, "No, Boudreaux, I didn't forget to pack dem. I put dem in you tackle box !"
One More Time At The Bar
Boudreaux was sitting at the bar last night, highly inebriated as usual, when this lady walked by him. He reaches out and grabs her breast. The lady, not surprisingly slaps the doo-doo out of him. Boudreaux tells her, "Oh, nice lady, I'm so sorry. I thought you was my wife. You looks jus' like her." The lady, still highly upset launches into a tirade. "You are nothing but a worthless, useless, chauvanistic, alcoholic piece of crap !" Boudreaux looks at her and calmly says, "Mais, dat's an amazing ting. You sounds exactly like my wife, too."
Boudreaux Goes To Court
Boudreaux had to go to court a couple of weeks ago for a minor traffic ticket. Well first he had to take the day off from his job at the crawfish farm, then when he got to court, there was one delay after another, until the entire day was shot. The judge told everyone in the courtroom that they would have to come back tomorrow. Boudreaux, aggravated about all the delays and the prospect of losing another day of work, snapped at the judge, "Mais for why we got to come back again ?" The judge, rather tired after a long day on the bench, and hearing Boudreaux snap at him, told Boudreaux, "That will be $20.00 for contempt !" As Boudreaux starts digging through his wallet, the judge noticed this and told Boudreaux, "That's OK, you don't have to pay right now." Boudreaux replies to him, "Oh, Judge, it don't matter when I pay, I'm jus' checking to see if I gots enough for two more words for you !"
Boudreaux Gets The Last Rites
Boudreaux was lying on his death bed, and was receiving last rites from his parish priest. The good Father tells Boudreaux, "It is time for you to denounce the devil and all his evil." Boudreaux says nothing. Father once again tells Boudreaux, "It is time for you to denounce the devil and all his evil." Still Boudreaux says nothing. The priest asks Boudreaux, "Why are you refusing to denounce the devil ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Father, until I knows where I'm going, I don't want to take no chances to aggravate anybody !"
Boudreaux Goes To The Restroom
Boudreaux was in his usual inebriated state at the City Bar last Saturday night, when the "call of nature" hit him. He asked the bartender where the restroom was, and after it was pointed out, he went in to "take care of business". A few minutes later a loud blood-curdling scream was heard from inside the men's room, followed a couple of minutes later by another, even louder scream. The bartender goes to the restroom door and asks Boudreaux what all the screaming was about, because he was scaring all of the customers. Boudreaux tells him, "Mais, every time I trys to flush de toilet, sumting reaches up and squeezes my private parts. An' it hurts !" The bartender opens the door and looks inside, and tells Boudreaux, "Boudreaux you so drunk you done sat on de mop bucket !"
All of Boudreaux's friends are practical jokers. But this particular day, Boudreaux just wasn't in the mood. He rode up to the City Bar in Maurice on his mule, tying it up outside while he went in for a beer. Later, when he walked out to leave, he found his mule was gone. Knowing how his friends were, plus being in a bad mood, he simply walked back into the bar with his twice-barrelled shootgun, fired a shot into the ceiling, and stated rather loudly, "Boys, I'm gonna have me one more beer. When I'm finished, my mule better be back, cuz y'all don't wants me to do what I had to do, de last time somebody stole my mule !" Boudreaux drinks his beer, and walks outside. Sure enough, his mule was back. As he started to ride off, one of his buddies asked him, "Boudreaux, we wuz jus' wondering. What was it you had to do de last time your mule got stolen ?" Boudreaux, riding off, tells him, "Mais, I had to walk home !"
Thibodeaux & Clotile Had A Fight
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee yesterday, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clotile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, Thib, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about ?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why for you did dat ? You knows dat Clotile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was, too !"
Boudreaux's Driving Too Fast
Boudreaux and Marie were driving down Interstate 10 the other day, when they got pulled over by one of them Louisiana State Troopers. The Trooper tells Boudreaux that he stopped him because he was speeding. Boudreaux gets all upset, and argues with the Trooper, that he wasn't speeding. The Trooper tells him, "Mr. Boudreaux, I clocked you with my brand new radar gun and you were doing eighty miles an hour." Boudreaux tells the Trooper, "Mais ax Marie ! She will tell you dat I wasn't driving too fast !" So to humor him, the Trooper asks Marie, "Mrs. Boudreaux, was your husband speeding or not ?" Marie answers him, "Mais, Mr. Trooper, I don't really know. I don't never pay attention to what Boudreaux's doin' when he's drunk !"
Boudreaux's Life-saving Pig
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting around last Saturday barbequeing, when Thibodeaux noticed a three-legged pig walking around the yard. Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux, "Mais, why dat pig only gots three legs, Boud ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Oh Thib, dat's a very special pig. Last month, Marie was walking through de woods and was attacked by a pack of wild dogs. Dat pig jumped in and fought off all dem dogs, and saved Marie's life." Thibodeaux asked, "And dat's how he lost his leg ?" Boudreaux says, "No, de other day, I was plowin' my fields, when I fell off my tractor. Dat tractor almos' runned over me, but dat pig jumped in front of de tractor and kept it from running over me and saved my life." Thibodeaux asks again, "And dat's how he lost his leg ?" Boudreaux replies, "Mais no, Thib, de pig came out of dat OK too. But you know, a pig dat valuable, you don't eat dat all at one time, no !"
Boudreaux's Got A Problem
Boudreaux runs into the City Bar last night and tells Thibodeaux, the bartender, "Hey Thib, I gots me a real problem. Give me six beers, real fast." Thibodeaux puts the six beers on the bar, and Boudreaux proceeds to down them as fast as he can. He tells Thib, "Give me six more, and hurry up. I gots me a real problem." Thibodeaux puts six more on the bar and Boudreaux slams them down as fast as he can. Thibodeaux tells him, "Boudreaux, slow down. You gonna get yourself sick drinkin' dat fast. Your problem can't be dat bad. What kinda problem you got, anyway, dat you gotta drink dat much, dat fast ?" Boudreaux replies, "Mais, I ain't got no money to pay for de beer !"
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux Need Some Lumber
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went to the lumber yard the other day, and Thibodeaux goes inside and tells the salesman, "I needs some four by twos." The salesman asks him, "You mean, some two by fours, don't you ?" Thibodeaux tells him, "I'll be right back." He walks out to their pick-um-up truck and checks with Boudreaux, then walks back inside. He tells the salesman, "Yeh, you right, dey's two by fours we needs." The salesman asks, "OK, how long you need them ?" Thib tells him he'll be right back, walks outside to check with Boudreaux, and goes back inside. He tells the salesman, "Mais I guess we gonna need dem for a long time. We gonna build us a house !"
Boudreaux Isn't Stupid, No
A long time ago, Boudreaux, being a country boy, without much real life experience, learned to releive his sexual frustrations in the knotholes found in the many oak trees in the woods around his house. One day, Marie, while walking through the woods, walked up on Boudreaux, while he was deeply engrossed in making love to an old oak tree. After watching Boudreaux for a while from behind a bush, passion got the better of her, and she stepped out , laid down on the ground, and offered herself to Boudreaux. Boudreaux, still ready for some "action", turned to Marie, and kicked her square in the crotch. Marie cried out in pain, and asked Boudreaux, "Mais, why for you did dat, Boudreaux ?" Boudreaux replied, "I always check for squirrels before I start !"
Clotile Had An Idea
Boudreaux was walking down the levee the other day, and as he passed old man Thibodeaux's house, he noticed that Thibodeaux was sitting on the front porch, wearing nothing at all from the waist down. This naturally got Boudreaux's attention, and he asked Thibodeaux, "My fren, why for you sittin' der nekked wid no pants on like dat ?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, it's like dis. A couple weeks ago, I sat out here widdout a shirt, and got me a stiff neck. Dis was Clotile's idea !"
Boudreaux Wins A Bet
A Texan walked into the City Bar last weekend, and started bragging that no body could drink like Texans can, and bet that if any of the Cajuns there could drink a whole case of beer in an hour or less, he would pay them $100.00. No one took him up on his offer, and in fact Boudreaux got up and walked out. A little while later Boudreaux came back inside and asked the Texan if his offer was still good. The Texan said that it was, and he would, in fact, even pay for the beer. Boudreaux told the bartender to line 'em up, and made short order of the case of beer, finishing in well less than the hour. The totally amazed Texan held up his part of the deal and paid the hundred dollars. But he was a little curious and asked Boudreaux, "By the way, when I made the offer, you left. Where did you go ?" Boudreaux answered him, "Mais I went to de other bar across de street. I had to make sure I could do it !"
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got in a big argument with some Aggies over on the levee at Henderson on the 4th of July. Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decided to throw firecrakers at the Aggies to run them off. Didn't do a damn bit of good though, the Aggies just lit them and threw them back.
It was a couple of weeks before Christmas, and Thibodeaux and Clotile were discussing what they were going to give everybody. Before Thibodeaux had a chance to tell Clotile what he wanted, she tells him, "Thib, I tink I wants a deevorce !" Old Thibodeaux, all laid back, tells her, "Oh I'm sorry Clotile, but I wasn't planning to spend dat much on you dis year!"
A Little Too Much To Drink
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux and their wives went to a party one weekend. They had a little too much of that "soda pop with the foam on top", especially Thibodeaux, and everybody was laughing at him for getting so drunk. After a while, Thibodeaux couldn't find his wife, Clotile, so he went looking for her. He finally looked in one of the upstairs bedrooms, and found his wife and Boudreaux (both as drunk as Thibodeaux was), doing "the wild thing" together. Thibodeaux runs back downstairs and yells to everybody, "Hey, y'all think I'm drunk ? Come upstairs and see Boudreaux. He's so drunk, he thinks he's me
The Loving Wife
Marie accompanied her husband, Boudreaux, to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called her into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe sickness, combined with terrible stress. If you don't do everything I tell you, Boudreaux will not last much longer. Every morning, you must fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every need. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Boudreaux will regain his health completely." On the way home, Boudreaux asked Marie, "What de doctor said to you ?" Marie replied, "Mais, he told me you're going to die."
Boudreaux had become quite successful running his crawfish farm, and was making plenty of money. He and Marie went out to eat the other night, and during the meal, a tall, good-looking blonde came by their table, and told Boudreaux "Hello". Marie, of course, wanted to know who she was. Boudreaux told her, "Mais, dat's my mistress !" Marie told him, "Boudreaux, I wants a deevorce !" Boudreaux replied, "Marie, are you sure ? Do you wants to give up dat big house on de hill I built for you ? And what about dat new fancy dualie pick-um-up truck I just got for you ? And don't forgot about all dem fur coats and jewelry you got. And dat big vacation house we gots at Cypremort Point." Marie was real quite for a while. After a while she noticed Thibodeaux walk in with a good looking redhead. She asked Boudreaux, "Who dat is with Thibodeaux ?" Boudreaux told her, "Mais, dat's his new mistress." Marie replied, "I tinks ours is cuter !"
Tee Boudreaux Goes Courtin'
Boudreaux see his son, Tee-Boudreaux, walking out of the house one night carrying a kerosene lantern. He asks him where he's going. Tee-Boudreaux tells his Daddy, "Mais, I'm taking my girlfriend out on a date." Boudreaux tells him, "Boy, when I was courtin' your Mama, I didn't use no lantern." Tee-Boudreaux answers, "Yeh, and look what you got !"
The Parking Lot
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux gets together one night to go to an IceGators game. They get there and pass a good time, cheerin' and chompin' and drinkin' beer. They go outside after the game is over but all the cars in the parking lot look just like theirs. They have to wait for 3 hours for all of the mess and confusion to clear up before they find their car. About a week later Boudreaux calls Thibodeaux, "Ay, Thib, you want to go to the IceGators game tonight?" Thibodeaux tells him, " I don't know. You remember what done happen to us las time." Boudreaux has a plan for this time so it won't happen again. Boudreaux says, "We gonna tie a red ribbon to de antenna. No one else gonna do dat." Thibodeaux agrees that it's a good idea and agrees to go. They go and pass a even better time. When the game is over they leave and see that everyone's got a red ribbon on their antennas. Again they got to wait for 3 hours to find their car. The next game comes around and Boudreaux calls Thibodeaux. "Dey got a game tonight. You wants to go?" Thibodeaux says to him, "No, not after what happen after the last 2 games." Boudreaux says, " I promise you it won't happen another time. I got the best idear. We gonna ride over to dat game on a camel." Thibodeaux says, "Well thats got to work. Who else is gonna tink to ride a camel? Les go!" They go to the game and have a good ol' time but when they get outside... Nothin' but camels all over the parking lot. Boudreaux starts walking around and lifting up the tails on each of the camels. Thibodeaux asks him, "Boudreaux, you crazy? What the hell you doin dat for?" Boudreaux explains, "Well on the way over here I heard someone say, 'Look at dem 2 _ssholes on dat camel' ! "
Boudreaux Is Sick
Boudreaux wasn't feeling too pretty good the other night, so at about 2:00AM he called Doc Thibodeaux, and asked him, "Hey Doc, how much you charge for a house call ?" Old Doc Thibodeaux sleepily answered "Twenty-five dollars." Boudreaux then asked, "Mais, how much you charge for an office visit ?" Thibodeaux tells him "Fifteen dollars." Boudreaux says, "Mais, OK, I'll meet you at your office in fifteen minutes !"
Boudreaux Is Still Sick
A few days later, Boudreaux goes back to ol' Doc Thibodeaux with a bad cold. The good Doc gives him some pills to help relieve the symptoms, but they don't do any good, so Boudreaux goes back a couple of days later, still suffering with the cold. Doc Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, you go home, take a hot bath, and den open all de doors and windows, and stand nekked in de draft for about a half hour." Boudreaux says, "But Doc, I'll catch peenoomonia, for sure, if I do dat." Doc Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, yeh, but I knows how to cure peenoomonia !"
Boudreaux Needs A Haircut
Boudreaux stuck his head in the door of Thibodeaux's barbershop a few weeks ago and asked, "Hey, Thib, how long before I can get a haircut ?" Thibodeaux looks around to see how many customers he had waiting, and tells Boudreaux, "Oh, probably a coupla hours." Boudreaux said he'd come back later, and left. About a week later, Boudreaux again sticks his head in the barber shop door and asked, "How long for a haircut today ?" Thibodeaux looks around again and replies, "Same as last time, coupla hours." Boudreaux again leaves. The next week, same story. As Boudreaux is leaving, Thibodeaux asks Hebert to follow Boudreaux and find out where he is going, that he doesn't have time to wait for his haircut. A few minutes later Hebert comes back laughing hysterically. Thibodeaux asks him what's so funny. Hebert tells him, "Mais I followed Boudreaux like you told me, and he went straight to your house !"
No Sex For Two Weeks
Way back when Boudreaux, Thibodeaux and Hebert first got married, they decided they wanted to start going to church and be part of the congregation. So they all went to the Preacher and stated their wishes. The Preacher told them that if they truly wanted to be church members, that they would all have to abstain from having sex for two weeks, and come back to see him then. Well two weeks later, they all returned to the church, where the Preacher asked them if they had been successful in abstaining for the past two weeks. Hebert told him, "Oh, it wasn't no problem for us at all." The Preacher told them that they were welcome into the church. He then asked the Boudreaux's how they had done. Boudreaux tells him, "Well, Preacher, it was tough, and we almos' gave in a couple of times, but we managed to hold off." The preacher welcomes them to the flock. He turns to Thibodeaux, asking how they did, and Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, Preacher, it was real hard on us, and de temptation was strong. Den wid only about three days left, Clotile done took a bag of rice off de shelf, but dropped it on de floor. She bent over to pick it up, and when I saw her bend over like dat, well I couldn't take it no more, and we did de big nasty right den and dere." The Preacher tells them, "Well, I'm sorry, but you will not be welcome in our church !" Thibodeaux tells him, "Yeh, I figured dat, but dat's not de worst part. We ain't welcome at Wal-Mart no more neither !"