"Jolie Blonde" Midi
Did You Hear The One About
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux ?
A Short Cajun Dikshunary:
(Or a crash course in "Cajun-speak")
Cajun = English
"Cher"="Dear" (Term of endearment)
"Der"="There" or "Their"
"Y'all"="You all" or "Everybody"
"Yeh" or "Yah"="Yes"
Boudreaux's Definitions Of "Success"
When you are two years old, success is not peeing in your pants.
When you are 16, success is "Gettin' a little".
When you are 50, success is all about having had a great career and family life.
When you are 65, sucess is "Gettin a little".
And when you are 80, success is not peeing in your pants.
Boudreaux Got Ripped Off
The phone rang at the State Police office the other day, and the desk sergeant answered to hear an obviously intoxicated Boudreaux saying, "Somebody done broke into my car an' stole everyting ! Dey done took de dashboard, de steering wheel, de brake pedal, and even de accelarator. Send somebody, quick." Before the sergeant had a chance to dispatch a Trooper, the phone rang again. It was Boudreaux. He says, "Never y'all mind, Mr. Trooper, I had got in de back seat by mistake."
The Wishing Well
Boudreaux & Marie were walking through the town square the other day, when they spotted a wishing well. Boudreaux throws a penny down the well and makes a wish. Marie decides to try it too. She leans over to throw her penny in, but falls into the well and drowns. Boudreaux exclaims, "Damn, it works !"
"Tee" Boudreaux's Future
Tee Boudreaux is 24 years old and still living at home. Boudreaux and Marie are starting to worry about what he is going to do with his future. Boudreaux tells Marie, "Cher, let's do a little test. We goin' to put a ten-dollar bill, a bible and a bottle of booze on de table, and when Tee Boudreaux comes in, we gonna be able to figure out what he's gonna do. If he takes de ten-dollar bill, he's gonna be a business man, if he picks up de bible, he's gonna be a preacher, but if he picks up de booze, I'm afraid he's gonna be a bum de rest of his life." So the put the stuff out and hid in the closet when they heard Tee coming in. Tee walks by the table, picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it and puts it in his pocket. Then he picks up the bible, flips through it, and puts it under his arm. He picks up the bottle of booze, takes a healthy swig out of it, and walks off with the rest of the bottle. Boudreaux and Marie, were watching all of this through the keyhole, and Boudreaux sighs, "Mais Cher, it looks like our son is gonna be a damn politician !"
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "You know, I tink I'm ready for a little vacation. But dis year I wants to do sumting different. De las' few years, I took your suggestions about where to go. Three years ago you said I should go to Hawaii, an' I did an' Marie got pregnant. De next year you said to go to de Bahamas. Marie got pregnant again. And last year you told me to go to Tahiti. Sure enough, Marie got pregnant again. Dis year I wants to to someplace cheaper so I can bring her wid me !"
Old cowboy Thibodeaux walked into the Last Roundup Saloon the other day, dressed in his finest cowboy outfit. Had his ten-gallon hat, his best chaps, and his spurs on. As he sat there sipping a beer, a good-looking young lady came in and sat next to him. A few minutes later, she was looking at Thibodeaux up and down, and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy ?" Thibodeaux answered, "Mais, I been on a ranch all my life roping cows, breaking horses, fixin' fences, and chasing women, so yeh, I guess I am. And what are you ?" The young lady tells him, "Well I've never been on a ranch, never roped a cow, broke horses, or mended fences, so I'm not a cowgirl, but I do think about women all the time. I wake up in the morning and think about women, when I eat, work, shop, all I think about is women. I am a lesbian." A few minutes later she gets up and leaves. After a while, Boudreaux walks in and sits next to Thibodeaux and asks him, "Hey, Podnuh, are you a real cowboy ?" Thibodeaux looks at him and tells him, "Mais, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian !"
Tee Boudreaux Ain't No Fool
Tee Boudreaux goes to his poppa, Big Boudreaux, and asks him, "Poppa, can you buy me dat new $200.00 bicycle dey jus' got in at de Wal-Mart ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Mais Tee Boo, I sure wish I could, but I gots about an $80,000.00 mortgage on de house. I can't afford it right now. Maybe for Christmas." Christmas is getting close and Tee Boo again asks about the bike. Boudreaux tells him, "Mais, Tee Boo, I'm sorry, but de mortgage on de house is still pretty high. I still can't afford you a bike right now." A couple of days later, Boudreaux sees Tee walking out of the house with all his stuff packed in a suitcase, and asks him where he's going. Tee Boo tells him, "It's like dis. Las' night I was walking by you and Momma's room, and I heard you say you were pulling out. And Momma said for you to wait, 'cause she was coming too. And I'll be damn if y'all gonna run off and leave me stuck wid dat big mortgage !"
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux At The Bar, Again
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were once again spending Saturday night at the City Bar, and after several hours of steady drinking, Thibodeaux suddenly fell backwards off of the barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold. Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about Thibodeaux. He knows when he done had enough to drink."
Boudreaux's A Crazy Driver
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were driving around town one night, and coming up to a red light, Boudreaux runs right through it, not even slowing down. Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, you ran dat red light. Be careful !" Boudreaux tells him, "Don't worry, Hebert does it all de time, and nuttin ever happens." A few minutes later, another red light, and Boudreaux runs it too. Thibodeaux screams at him, "Boudreaux, you keep running dem red lights, you gonna got us killed !" Boudreaux assures him, "Mais I done tol' you, Hebert does it all de time wid no problem. Don't worry." The next intersection they come to, they have a green light, and Boudreaux slams on the brakes, coming to a complete stop on green. Thibodeaux asks him, "Why you stop for de green light ?" Boudreaux, looking cautiously both ways tells him, "Mais, if I gots de green light, I gots to be careful, 'cause Hebert might be passing de other way !"
Boudreaux Goes To Confession
Boudreaux, in his usual highly inebriated state, accidently stumbled into the church building Saturday afternoon, trips his way into the confessional and sits down. The Priest, there of course to hear confession, hears nothing. The Priest coughs to let Boudreaux know that he's ready to listen to him, but still hears nothing. He then knocks on the wall separating them, and Boudreaux tells him, "Sorry, podnuh, der ain't no paper in dis one neither !"
Boudreaux, Thibodeaux, and Hebert were bragging about their love-making abilities. Hebert bragged, "I made love to my wife three times last night. She woke up in ecstacy!" Thibodeaux said, "Mais, me I made love to Clotile six times last night. She got up dis morning, cooked me a good breakfast, and tol' me she could never find a better man den me !" Boudreaux, takes a sip of his beer and says, "Me, I only made love to Marie one time last night." Hebert and Thibodeaux busted out laughing hysterically. Thibodeaux managed to ask Boudreaux, "And what she had to say to you dis morning ?" Boudreaux takes another sip of beer and calmly replies, "Mais, all she tol' me was, 'Boudreaux, please don't stop !' "
"Tee" Boudreaux Wants To Get Married
Tee Boudreaux burst into the house one day and said, "Momma, Poppa, guess what ! Me and Susie, from down de road decided to got married !" Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, out of earshot from Marie, "Tee, I gots to tell you sumting. Back when I was young, I used to fool around on you Momma alot. Susie is really your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." Tee Boudreaux was, of course all let down, but eventually, he got over it. He met another real nice Cajun girl, and sure enough, one day he ran back into the house and announced, "Momma, Poppa, dis time it's for real ! Me an' Clarisse from across de swamp, we gonna got married !" Again Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, "Tee, you remember what I tol' you last time ? I'm afraid Clarisse is your half-sister, too." By now, Tee Boudreaux really got his mad up real high, and decides to tell his Momma what's been going on with his Poppa. After he tells Marie what his Poppa had done, she tells him, "Tee Boudreaux, don't you worry yourself about dat a'tall. Go ahead an' marry de girl. Boudreaux ain't your real Poppa, anyhow !"
Goin' To Heaven
Old Father Maloney walks into the City Bar the other day, and spots Hebert. He walks over and asks Hebert, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son ?" Hebert replies, "Mais, yeh, I guess." Father tells him to go stand over against the wall. He then sees Thibodeaux, and asks him the same question, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son ?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, sure." Father tells him to go stand by Hebert. Father then spots Boudreaux, and asks him the same question. Boudreaux tells the priest, "Not me, no." Father Maloney can't believe what he is hearing, and asks Boudreaux again, "My son, don't you want to go to Heaven when you die ?" Boudreaux says, "Oh for sure, Father, when I die. I thought you was puttin' a load together to go right now !"
Boudreaux Done Did It Again
Boudreaux staggered into the house late last Saturday night, drunk as usual, and as he walks in, lets out a tremendous belch, immediately followed by a very large, very loud gaseous expulsion. (He passed gas.) Marie, who had been waiting up for him, was, as usual, disgusted with his actions, and told him so. "Boudreaux," she said, "You is disgusting. You drinks all de time, you belches when you around me and you don't care where you at or who's around when you pass de gas. Until you straighten yourself out, I'm gonna cut you off !" Boudreaux looks at her through his very bloodshot eyes and tells her, "Mais, Cher, how you gonna cut me off ? You don't know where I'm gettin' it !"
Marie's Hearing Problem
Boudreaux went to see Doctor Hebert, and told him, "Doc, I'm worried about Marie. I tink she's deaf. Every time I tells her sumting, I got to repeat it." The Doc tells him, "Well, Boudreaux, we can check it out pretty easy. When you get home tonight, stand about fifteen feet behind her, and ask her something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and try again. Keep moving closer to her until she responds. That way we'll have an idea how serious her problem is." So when Boudreaux gets home, he walks up behind Marie in the kitchen, and asks, "Cher, what's for supper ?" No reply. He moves about five feet closer and trys again. "Cher, what's for supper ?" Still no reply. Five more feet, same thing, until he is standing right behind her. Once again he asks, "Cher, what's for supper ?" Marie turns around and yells at him, "For de fourth damn time, chicken gumbo !"
Boudreaux Pays His Bill
Boudreaux and Marie took a little weekend getaway trip recently, and on checking out of the motel, Boudreaux was presented a bill for $400.00 for just two nights. Well being the frugal individual Boudreaux is, he proceeded to cut loose on the desk clerk. "For why my bill is so high ? We wuz jus' here for two nights !" The clerk advises him, "Well,sir, the motel has a health spa, exercise equipment, running track, and an olympic size swimming pool." Boudreaux tells him, "But I didn't use none of dat stuff." The clerk replies, "Maybe not, but it was availabile." Well Boudreaux really has his mad up now, and tells the guy, "Well if I got to pay dat, here's a bill for you for $350.00 for you sleeping wid my wife while we was here !" The clerk tells Boudreaux that he didn't sleep with his wife. Boudreaux screams back at him, "Well, maybe not, but she was available !"
Boudreaux, Thibodeaux And The Nun
Father Thibodeaux was making his weekly patient visits to the hospital. As he walked down the hallway, he spotted Mother Angelica coming toward him, lickety-split, saying her rosary fast and loud. She ran past him without saying a word. Father Thibodeaux continues down the hall and sees Doctor Boudreaux coming around the corner. He asks, "Doc Boudreaux, whas' de matter wid Mother Angelica ? She jus' passed by me goin' to beat de band, and sayin' her rosary fas' fas', and loud, loud." Doctor Boudreaux tells him, "Mais I jus' tol' her she's pregnant." Father Thib asks, "Oh, no. Is she really ?" Doc Boudreaux says, "Mais, of course not. But I sure cured her hiccups !"
Marie's Mad At Boudreaux
Boudreaux is back at his favorite hangout, the City Bar, and really looking down in the dumps. The bartender asks him what the problem is. Boudreaux tells him, "Well, me an' Marie,we had a big fight, an' she tol' me she wasn't goin' to talk to me for a month." The barkeep says, "Well, Boudreaux, dat should make you happy." Boudreaux says, "Yeh, I been happy, but de month is over today !"
The Boudreaux Law Firm
A man calls the law offices of Boudreaux, Boudreaux, Boudreaux and Boudreaux. When the phone is answered, he asks to speak to Mr. Boudreaux. He is told, "Mr. Boudreaux is out playing golf." So he asks to speak to Mr. Boudreaux. He is then told, "Mr. Boudreaux is out of town on business. He won't be in 'till week after next." He then asks, "Well, let me speak to Mr. Boudreaux." The voice tells him, "I'm sorry, Mr. Boudreaux retired. He is no longer with the firm." Totally frustrated, the man trys one more time, "Let me speak to Mr. Boudreaux. The voice says, "Oh, sure. Dis is Boudreaux."
The Lady Golfers
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out on the golf course last weekend, when they caught up to two ladies a little bit ahead of them, who were playing really slow. After a couple of holes, they couldn't take the slow game anymore, and Thibodeaux says, "Dammit, Boudreaux, I'm gonna go tell dem wimmen to either play faster, or get off de golf course." He walks toward the two ladies, but after going only about halfway, turns around and comes back without saying anything to them." Boudreaux asks him why he didn't say anything to them. Thibodeaux tells him, "I can't go talk to dem. One of dem is my wife, and de other one is my girlfriend." Boudreaux says, "Mais, never mind. I'll go tell dem sumting." He walks a little way but also turns around without saying anything. Thibodeaux asks, "I tought you was goin' tell dem to move." Boudreaux says, "Mais, I couldn't let dem see me, Thib. I got de same problem you had !"
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out on the golf course a couple of days ago, and as they were finishing their game, Thibodeaux commented that he was going to see Dr. Hebert, the local dentist, the next day to get his new dentures. Boudreaux commented, "Oh yeh, I got my dentures from him a couple of years ago." Thibodeaux asked, "Well, did he do a good job ?" Boudreaux says, "Mais, let me puts it like dis. Yesterday I was out here playing golfs, and de guy on de next hole sliced his ball, an' it hitted me right in de crotch. An' dat's de first time in two years dat my teeth didn't hurt !"
And Yet One More Fishing Trip
Boudreaux was out in the bayou fishing the other day. But he was fishing the old-fashioned Cajun way, with sticks of dynamite. About the time he was getting ready to light his third stick of dynamite, Thibodeaux, the Game Warden came up in his boat. "Dammit it, Boudreaux, how many times I gots to told you, you can't use dynomite to fish. It's against de law !" Boudreaux proceeds to light the fuse, and calmly handing the lit dynamite to Warden Thibodeaux, asks him, "Mais told me, Thib, we gonna talk all day, or we gonna fish ?"
Marie Paints The Kitchen
It was a typical South Louisiana July afternoon. A hundred degrees, and a hundred percent humidity. Hot and wet. Boudreaux comes home from working at the crawfish farm to find Marie painting the kitchen, wearing not some old comfortable clothes, but two heavy jackets. (In July, yet.) Boudreaux asks Marie why she was dressed that way on what surely had to be one of the hottest days of the year. Marie tells him, "Mais Boudreaux, look on de can of paint. It say, 'For best results, put on two coats.' So dat's what I did' !"
Thibodeaux owned a farm. He had an old mule he used to pull the plow in his fields. It was a good, hard-working mule, so he took real good care of it, even giving it a place to sleep in the barn. The only problem was that every evening when he tried to put the mule into the barn for the night, the mule's long ears would brush the top of the barn door, driving the mule nuts and causing him to kick at everything. In order to solve this problem, Thibodeaux decided to cut a larger opening at the top of the door, so the mule's ears would not touch. As he was working on the door, his good friend Boudreaux happened by, and of course inquired as to what Thibodeaux was doing. Thibodeaux explained the problem, and Boudreaux suggested that he could save himself a lot of work by digging the entrance down a little to make the opening larger. Thibodeaux replied, "Mais, you couyon, I done told you it was because his ears are too long. Not his legs !"
The Desert Island
Boudreaux, Thibodeaux, and their Aggie friend were marooned on a desert island for the last few years. One day, while walking along the beach, they spotted a bottle that had washed up from the ocean. Rubbing the sand off of it causes a genie to pop out of the bottle and the genie tells them, "You are now my masters. I can grant three wishes. However, since there are three of you, I can only grant you each one wish." Boudreaux tells the genie, "Mais I sure miss my fishing camp in the Atchafalaya Basin. I'd sure like to be back der." The genie grants his wish, and POOF, Boudreaux is back home. Thibodeaux says, "Me, I been lonesome for my sweet Clotile. I sure would like to be back wid her." The genie says, "No problem", and POOF, Thibodeaux is on his way. The Aggie tells the genie, "Well, I'm already lonesome for my two friends, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux. I sure wish they could be here with me !" POOF !
And Yet Another Golf Story
Seventy-five year-old Boudreaux returned home after a round of golf, and Marie asked him how it went. Boudreaux tells her, "Well, I was hitting de ball pretty good, but my old eyesight done got so bad, I couldn't see where de ball was going." Marie suggests that next time he take Thibodeaux along with him. Boudreaux says, "But, Marie, Thibodeaux is eighty-five years old, and he don't play golf no more." Marie tells him, "Mais, yeh, but his eyesight is still real good. He can watch where de ball goes for you." Boudreaux says, "Yeh, I hadn't thought about dat." The next day Boudreaux & Thibodeaux head out to the links, and on the first tee, Boudreaux hits what was probably his best tee shot ever. He turns to old Thibodeaux and asks, "OK, Thib, where my ball went ?" Thibodeaux replies, "Mais, I forgot !"
Boudreaux Goes To The Movies
Boudreaux went to a movie for the first time a couple of weeks ago. The usher noticed that Boudreaux was sprawled across three seats, taking up space, so he told him that he was only allowed to have one seat. Boudreaux just groaned, but didn't budge. The usher told him, "Sir, if you don't move, I'm going to have to get the manager." Boudreaux groaned again, but didn't move. So the usher goes to the back of the theater, returning with the manager, and together, they tried to get Boudreaux to sit up in one seat. Boudreaux just grunted, but still didn't budge. The manager tells him, "Sir, if you don't move, I'm going to call the police." Boudreaux groans, but doesn't move. A few minutes later, the police show up, and the officer asks Boudreaux to move. Boudreaux groans, but still doesn't move. The officer asks him, "Where you from, anyway, Pardner?" Boudreaux points upward, and moans, "From de balcony !
The State Police Roadblock
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving down the levee the other day engaging in their favorite pastime, drinking beer. As they rounded a turn, they saw a State Police roadblock ahead, and Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, if dem Troopers see us wid dis beer, dey gonna bust us." Boudreaux tells him, "Don't worry Thib, we'll just pull over right here, finish our beers, peel de labels off de bottles, and stick dem on our foreheads, and throw de empty bottles in de ditch. Dey ain't gonna know nuttin' ." Thibodeaux says, "Mais what dat's gonna do ?" Boudreaux tells him, "You jus' be quiet, an' let me do de talkin' ." When they drive up to the roadblock, the first thing the Trooper asks is, "Have you fellas been drinking ?" Boudreaux, pointing to his forehead, replies, "Oh, no sir. We used to do dat, but now we on de patch !"
The New Job
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got a job at the sawmill. On their first day, after a couple of hours at work, Boudreaux hears Thibodeaux screaming. He runs over to see what was wrong. Thibodeaux tells him, "I done lost me a finger." Boudreaux asked him how that happened. Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais I touched dis big spinning ting right here, and - - - - dammit, dere goes anudder one."
Thibodeaux Makes A Good Start
Thibodeaux just got himself a new job in a downtown office. The boss told him on his first morning at work that his first task would be to run down to the corner restaurant and get coffee for the office. On his way out the door, he picked up a large thermos bottle and ran down to the corner to get the coffee. Getting to the restaurant he asks the waiter if the thermos was large enough to hold six cups of coffee. The waiter told him that it would be. So Thibodeaux tells him, "Great ! Give me two regular, two black, an' two decaf !"
Father Boudreaux And The Mule
Father Boudreaux gets to his church last Monday morning to find a dead mule on the front lawn. He didn't know how to go about getting rid of it, so he calls the police. They come over, and after looking around inform him that there appears to be no foul play involved, so they can't help him and he should call the health department. The health department says that since it didn't appear to have been there very long, it did not pose a health threat, and they couldn't pick it up without the Mayor's OK. Well, now Father Boudreaux knows Mayor Thibodeaux pretty well, and knows that he has a bad temper and is pretty hard to deal with, and he wasn't really too anxious to have to ask him for a favor. But he had to get rid of the mule somehow, so he called the Mayor. Well as expected, Mayor Thibodeaux starts screaming and being his usual obnoxious self, and tells Father Boudreaux, "For why you callin' me ? It should be your job to bury de dead, anyway !" Father Boudreaux replies, "Mais, yeh Mayor, you right. It is my job to bury de dead. But I always likes to noitify de next of kin, first !"
The Speed Limit
Thibodeaux and Hebert were driving down the Interstate yesterday, but Thibodeaux was only driving about 10 miles per hour. Traffic was passing them left and right, 18 wheelers were swerving all over trying to keep from slamming into them, and traffic was generally in chaos. State Trooper Boudreaux, sitting near an overpass, saw this and proceeded to pull Thibodeaux over. Trooper Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Why you goin' so slow ?" Thibodeaux replied, "Mais, Ossifer, I always drives de speed limit, look der's a sign right der, an' it says '10' ." Trooper Boudreaux tells him, "Thibodeaux, you dummy, dat's de hightway sign. Dis is Interstate 10." Boudreaux looks over and notices Hebert shaking and sweating, and asks him what the problem is. Hebert says, "Boy, I sure wish you had stopped us 10 minutes ago, when we was on highway 182 !"
Marie Takes Care Of Business
Marie got home early from playing bingo the other night to find Boudreaux in bed with another woman. she proceeded to throw him out the window of their tenth story apartment. In court on charges of manslaughter, the judge asked her why she threw Boudreaux out of the window. Marie calmly told him, "Mais, judge, I figured dat at 87 years old, if dat old fool was able to make love to anudder woman at his age, he should be able to fly, too !"
Boudreaux And Medicaid
Old man Boudreaux (87 years old) and his girlfriend (also 87) went to the doctor's office recently and the doctor asked what he could do for them. Boudreaux asked, "Could you watch us make love ?" The doctor examined both of them and told them to have at it. They made love for a while, the doctor re-examined them and told them that he could see nothing wrong. They paid the doctor for the office visit and left. This went on for several weeks, a couple of times each week. They would come in, be examined, have sex, pay the doctor, and leave. After a couple of months, the doctor finally asked them, "Look, I don't have a problem with taking your money, but just what is it you're trying to find out ? I don't see any problem with your sex life other than the fact that you're both 87 years old and don't have the energy of a younger couple. What exactly is it that you want to know ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Mais, Doc, we not trying to find out anyting. We can't go to my house to have sex, 'cause my wife is der, an' we can't go to her house to have sex, 'cause her husband is der. If we go to de Holiday Inn, it costs us 70 bucks, and if we go to de Hilton, it costs us 90 bucks. But we can do it here for 40 bucks, and I gets 35 back from medicaid."
The Backseat Drivers
Boudreaux was driving down the road the other day, with his wife, Marie, and his mother-in-law in the car. Every couple hundred yards, the two women would take turns telling him something about his driving. "Slow down ! Watch the other car ! Don't drive so close to the center line ! Look out for that curve ! Etc. Etc." After awhile this started to wear on Boudreaux. He slams on the brakes and pulls onto the shoulder of the road. Turning to Marie, he says, "Look, who's driving dis car ? You or your Momma ?"
Old man Boudreaux (remember he's 87 years old) walked into Mama Toot's House Of Ill Repute the other day and announced, "I wants me a woman !" Mama Toot looked at him kinda funny and asked him "For what ?" Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, dis is Mama Toot's House Of Ill Repute, ain't it ? And you gots lotsa women here dat are ready an' willin' don't you ?" Mama Toot says, "Yeh, but what you want ?" Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, I wanna get me some. Dat's why I'm here." Mama Toot replies, "But you're too old. You've had it." Boudreaux says, "Oh, I'm sorry. How much I owe you ?"